Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Few Signs You’re About To Get Dumped

I think we can all agree: getting dumped sucks.  Especially when you don’t see it coming. 

I think we can all agree: getting dumped sucks.  Especially when you don’t see it coming.  One minute you’ve got a partner in crime, someone to hold your legs as you go for that keg stand record, and the next your cruising solo.  

Well, I say the best defense is knowing you’re getting dumped so you can be drunk when it happens. Here we go.  You might want to start drinking if…

He stops returning calls/emails/texts/sexts. So you send him a late night “I want you in my bed.  Naked.  Now.” and it goes unanswered.  No response.  Then you follow it up with something a little more descriptive.  Nada.  And finally you resort to pix message.  Still no answer.  Either your dude is dead (unlikely) or he just doesn’t really care how good your boobs look in the warm glow of your cell phone.

He avoids important conversations. You’ve been feeling a little neglected lately and you suggest a State of the Union talk over drinks at your place.  Nothing major, no pressure.  Just making sure you’re still on the same page.  You think it’s important, he insists going on a Wednesday night bender with his buddies is more important.  You’d like a little clarification on things now, he’s suggesting it’s not needed and that he’ll gchat you some time next week.  You still care about him, he regrets dating you more than his weak fantasy draft picks.

He devotes more time to his schoolwork than to your relationship. This is a tricky one.  I bet you’re thinking it’s a good thing if your guy is devoted to his scholarly endeavors.  It is.  But no one can simultaneously work towards a degree in advanced neuroscience and also win Boyfriend of the Year.  It’s an either or scenario, and you’ll likely be the odd man out.

He’s cheating on you with another dude. He’s probably gay.  And you’re probably getting dumped.

He picks fights over insignificant issues. Why’d you leave his basketball outside?  Why do you have to go to the gym at the same effing time that he does?  Why do you have to breathe so loudly?  Why the f*ck do you always text your whore of a roommate!?  If he’s going from Romeo to Chris Brown in thirty seconds, I’m not sure if he’ll dump you…but you might want to dump him.


  1. cheating with another dude is a definitely calls for a break up.

  2. Haha I think the 2nd last one is a dead giveaway that he's going to break up soon =P

  3. Oh good LORD, I am so thankful I don't have to deal with that crap anymore. The best part about being married is that you don't have to date and put up with that b.s.

    I could always tell when I was close to the end with someone, when I could not stand the way they chewed...oawwww... I could barely contain myself when they chomped on something crunchy

    Him: nom nom nom yum Pringles crunch crunch
    Me: slam, out da door.

  4. Although assaild with fortune fierce and keen, Following!